Archive Page 2


Douchebag Fashion Statements–Chris Brown

Textbook Tool: “Anyone who wears a baby blue bow-tie and matching sweater to an interview discussing how you hit a girl.”


Douchebag Public Figures–Taro Aso

Every once in a while, a politician so bad comes along that he inadvertently empowers an opponent in a future election. George W. Bush was such a politician, and Japan’s current Prime Minister may be one also.

Bush said plenty of embarrassing things while in office. In all fairness, most of them were grammatical errors justified through the slip of tongue. Taro Aso, on the other hand, has had a long history of gaffes before even taking office—all of which qualify him as a douchebag.

For example, Aso conforms to the racist douchebag archetype. In 2001, he said that he wanted to make Japan a country where “rich Jews” would want to live. In addition, The Kyodo News reported that he said “Our predecessors did a good thing,” regarding compulsory education during Japan’s colonization of Taiwan.

Like most douchebags, Aso’s own nationalistic arrogance disassociates him from reality. On October 15, 2005, before an opening ceremony for the Kyushu National Museum, he boasted that Japan has “one culture, one civilization, one language, and one ethnic group” and further claimed Japan was the only such country in the world. He completely ignores that Japan is a multiethnic society comprised of Koreans, Taiwanese, and indigenous Ainu to name a few.

His family’s business reinforces some of his own racist tendencies. The Aso Mining Company used 300 POWs of British, Dutch, and Australian descent in their forced labor camps. In addition to this, over 10,000 Koreans conscripts worked for the mining company under brutal conditions with little to practically no pay. The Aso family basically made their fortune from exploiting slave labor. Taro Aso, in a bid to remain consistent in his character, refused to so much as acknowledge or even apologize for the controversy.

Aso’s shining moment was when he potentially prevented Japan from electing their first minority Prime Minister. In a private meeting of the Kono Group, Taro Aso said that “Burakumin can’t become Prime Minister” in reference to Hiromu Nonaka of the Japanese diet.

Hiromu Nonaka, a previous contender for the head of office, was a descendent of the Burakumin, a group of feudal era untouchables. The Burakumin to this day suffer from heavy-handed discrimination to the extent that in practice, they’re a virtually a seperate ethnic minority from the Yamato as a whole.

Prejudice aside, it’s his misuse of the Japanese language, which places him within a fully negative light. He misread several speeches and said “stench the apology for war” in place of “support the apology for war.” In separate instance he referred to meetings with China as “cumbersome” instead of “frequent” as he originally intended. This has led to many comparisons to America’s own former President Bush for his various grammatical errors. Some even speculate that his verbal blunders may have boosted the sales in grammatical textbooks.

What encompasses him fully as a douchebag is that he places his own personal ambitions above the good of the many. Various members of his party insisted that he resign for the good of the Liberal Democratic Party. He refused, giving the DPJ, Japan’s largest oppositional party a scapegoat for the country’s ongoing problems.  As a result, Japan will see the first major shift in power in over 40 years as a result of this douche’s incompetent public image.


Douche Links–Facebook Profile


douchebag (n.)–The Emocratic Tool

Originally published in The Occidental Weekly:

Voters often complain about the absent alternative to America’s rigid bipartisan political system. Amidst this outcry comes the issue of representation. Most nonpartisan parties cite the under-representation of political interests and concerns in defense of creating alternate parties. Indeed, these alternate parties are under-represented because they barely made so much as a blip in the radar during the latest election. Of all the alternate parties there is one group that is more overlooked than any other. This party is unusual in that it is under-represented, yet also encompass America’s largest demographic. This political group is known as none other than the Emocratic Party.

Contrary to popular belief, Emocrats are neither specifically left, right, nor centered in their ideology. They come in a variety of packs ranging from the socially liberal to the fiscally conservative. What they do share in common is political dissatisfaction and inaction. An Emocrat will complain about whatever political policy is at stake. Whether it be an economic measure or state proposition, Emocrats will always voice their opposition. They’ll whine and shout, but refuse to march for their beliefs or volunteer for a grassroots organization. In spite of this, an Emocrat typically won’t even vote and prides himself in this decision.

An Emocrat considers himself a member of the non-voting elite for his political apathy. He’ll believe in the futility of change in the face of rigid bipartisan politics and consider himself enlightened because of it. In the rare instances that Emocrats do vote, they slap “I voted” stickers on their chest, and pride themselves in doing something that they were supposed to do to begin with. In the rare instance that an Emocrat votes for a partisan candidate, he immediately believes that his vote has some declarative value. College Emocrats are a different category in themselves and typically congregate at small liberal arts colleges. They’re politically-minded, but complain about their school’s isolation. The thought of reaching outside of the school and volunteering with other political groups off-campus never occurs to them. When it does, they dismiss it, because solving their problems would actually require work. They’d much rather drink, attend a Lupe Fiasco encore, or cry in the dark over an A- in a DWA course. As a result, any non-Emocrats of importance transfer to other colleges out of frustration.

If there’s one thing that annoys College Emocrats more than politics, it’s the media and student publications. They have an endless stream of grievances and complaints concerning these publications, but rarely work up the impetus to write letters to the editor. For the College Emocrat, these publications are either too liberal or not liberal enough. Not once does it ever occur to them to take the initiative, join this publication, and alter the inner workings from within. Other larger university publications are more exclusive and scarcely offer the creative freedom of small liberal arts newspapers, but this doesn’t matter to the College Emocrat, because he is never satisfied. Then again, joining these papers would actually require some labor and effort, and this scares College Emocrats more than anything in the world.

Oddly enough, despite their fear of letters to the editor, College Emocrats enjoy blogging and trolling. To them, a blog is nothing more than a sophisticated version of an angst-ridden Livejournal. College Emocrats typically comment on the articles of student newspapers using anonymous aliases. Anonymity is preferred because being held accountable for their vapid ideas terrifies Emocrats.

At first glance, this would render pundits and other journalists indistinguishable from other Emocrats, except on a professional level. After all, isn’t that what journalists and pundits do on a daily basis: whine and complain? Fortunately, this isn’t the case. Ordinary journalists and pundits value the mass media as an interconnected collective, but acknowledge their own irrelevancy in journalism as individuals.

The Emocrat lacks so much political mobility that it’s doubtful that he’ll ever have his voice heard. True Emocrats reject the very fact that politics is fundamentally about compromise. It is because of this that Emocrats are never satisfied and stake this as their source of idle apathy. What the future has in store for the Emocrat, none can say. The Emocrat is a tragic paradox because deciding to lift themselves up would eliminate their essence of character.


Douchebag Public Figures–Umair Haque

Every end of the political spectrum has its share of conceited journalists. After all, opinion pieces require conviction in one’s beliefs. However, they rarely breach the level of arrogance as Umair Haque in his article, “The Generation M Manifesto.” This article claims that a progressive generation is on the horizon, ready to quash the selfish, narrow-minded ideologues of the past. Instead, he comes off as douchey as the very people he hates.

Haque criticizes the Baby Boomers for their excess, but never names them as such, because he doesn’t know what he’s writing about. In fact, he’s so confused with his generational taxonomy that he seems to hash the Baby Boomers, Generation Jones, MTV, X, and Y into one amalgam. What’s more, the article consists of bumper sticker slogans rather than any reinforced evidence to his claims.

Like most douchebags, Haque is infatuated with himself and his “generation” despite his articles invalidity. His readers are too blinded with self-love to even detect his bullshit. The article panders to a group of people who fancy themselves as the new elite.

Haque is completely wrong all the way down to his invented label. It’s not Generation M, it’s more like Generation ME—an entire generation of narcicists. The embracement of his “argument” merely reinforces the notion that America’s still undergoing a narcissism pandemic. His readers are so in love with themselves that they’re ready to concur that they’re the country’s salvation, even if it’s spoken from the mouth of a hack.

Granted, parts of Haque’s post could have some legitimacy. Barack Obama’s presidency coerced more people into public service, but there’s no evidence that this is an on going trend. Even if there is, Haque should have cited statistical examples. He has no idea what he’s talking about and jumped the gun on a potentially nonexistent social change.

His readers further fit into the category of ideological douchebags—arrogant, close-minded, individuals who like the sound of their own voices. And like the archetypical douchebag, Haque and his ideologues will insist that they’re right despite any evidence to the contrary. The chances are that Haques readers will merely nod their heads to his words and continue complaining about current events. Never does it occur to them to put their money where their mouths are, go out, and get politically active. For the political douchebag, thoughts always speak louder than actions.


Douchebag Fashion Statements–Puka Shells

People wear puka shells as a means of looking cool. How does it look cool? It doesn’t, but they’re all the rage with A&F models to evoke a beachside feel.

This kills two birds in one stroke. Douchebags try to look like models. At the same time, they also like the beach because it coincides with their party boy image. As far as a douche is concerned, puka shells are badges of honor to prove that they live on the California coast.

Despite their popularity in the Golden State, Puka shells don’t originate from California. Even the most ignorant of douchebags are informed enough to know that they’re from Hawai’i. However, douchebags care little of Hawai’i or its culture for that matter.

In this respect, what ultimately makes puka shells douchey is that their wearers are essentially ethnic tourists. An ethnic tourist knows little of the culture he’s witnessing and doesn’t care because ignorance is in his best interest. It enables him to simplify and reduce an entire culture to the size of a trinket. They’re willing to take everything from a culture, but its historical hardships.

As is the case with most douchebag fashion statements, it’s futile to address the absurdity of their attire. They could care less about instances about modes of critical theory let alone the proper fashion etiquette for that matter. Since douchebags travel in droves, their posse will argue in favor of their style in unison to the bitter end. Trying to talk down a lone wolf douchie is a feat in itself, persuading an entire group of them is a divine miracle. If convincing douchebags the error of their ways were an easy feat, then Orange County would have disposed of puka shells a long time ago.

Acceptable Instances

Unlike other douchebag fashion statements, there are instances in which Puka shells are acceptable.

Women are allowed to wear puka shells without scrutiny. Certain fashion statements are gender specific and for some reason they look less ridiculous around a woman’s neck.

Along with gender, ethnicity factors into rules of puka shell acceptability. Asians can wear puka shells without prejudice because people immediately assume that they’re from Hawai’i.

With this in mind, it’s permissible for native Hawai’ians to adorn puka shells. Since it was invented by their culture, it’s not an exploited commodity. Be warned though, White Hawai’ians still have to show proof of their state of birth. This is only natural in a place where Whites are the de facto minority and discrimination works on both ends of the spectrum

These are the only ways in which it’s acceptable to look like a douchesack.


Douchebag Public Figures-Takazumi Hikichi

I don’t know WHO this guy is or WHAT he does, but I’m adding him on a matter of principle.


Just browse through his blog. It’s like a Japanese version of Hot Chicks with Douchebags.

He even has a facebook.

July 2018
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