Douchebag Psychology 101: Douchebags in Love

A douchebag is rarely ever in a relationship. Douches often cite, “Nobody is quite good enough for me,” as their reason for staying single. This is a just a furtively polite way of saying that they want to sleep around

Under the circumstances a douchebag enters a relationship it’s because she’s either good in bed or hot. There’s nothing more to their relationship.

Rest assured, the relationship won’t last long. In spite of being off the market, a douchebag will continue to hit on other women, drunk text, and make late night booty calls. A douchebag will eventually cheat on his girlfriend or wife.

Case in point.

Case in point.

If a douchebag does happily marry, their nuptials have a finite timeline. After all, trophy wives have expiration dates.

Observors are constantly baffled by the hot chick/douchebag dynamic. How are women not repelled by obvious displays of douchebaggery? What people fail to realize is that douche groupies are pieces of work themselves. All that they have going for them are their good looks. Aside from that, it’s guaranteed that they have train wreck personalities or text book daddy issues. Rock of Love and Charm School is enough evidence for this entire entry.

Douche groupies in love.

Douche groupies in love.

Tools in Love

A tool’s romantic life is simpler than his douchebag counterpart’s. When a tool enters a relationship, he will become whipped at least one point his life. The chances are that he’s in the relationship because he’s settling for less. If anything, it’s likely that he isn’t in a legitimate relationship because “girlfriend” is just using him as a human credit card.

2 Responses to “Douchebag Psychology 101: Douchebags in Love”

  1. 1 Reginald Vel Johnson
    October 23, 2009 at 4:32 am

    Hey. Interesting philosophies. Just a few things though. Know what’s getting more annoying than douchebags? Douchebag critics! (Well, and Warcraft nerds but I’m not going there right now). Everyone knows they exist, everyone sees them all over the place too. People that sit there analyzing the phenomena to the point of some sort of warped obsession seem far worse than these fools. It’s one thing if it’s a joke etc etc but their seems to be some fairly intricate and precise words of hatred here. Have you considered finding a more constructive hobby? Maybe get out in the community and get some real shit done? There’s some decent writing here and some creative stuff but it just seems wasted. Why not just get over the fact that there’s a pretty high percentage of dumb assholes on this sad little planet? You could maintain your superiority complex if need be but maybe make some friends, get into some music, free your mind, and start living a bit. As a former miserable angry bastard I can safely say that getting out there and doing new things with other people will really get your mind of the number of douchebags out there. And if not, at least you can get out there and kick the shit out of few of them if you so desire instead of hiding out on your blog here and bitching about them. Anyhow, bring on the snide remarks. I’m sure you have several.

  2. 2 Jeffrey
    December 12, 2009 at 6:41 pm

    Oh shut up. It’s comedy. Is it okay for someone to stand up on comedy central and do this exact same sort of stuff, because they’re on TV, but not okay for this guy to post this on his blog? We don’t even know if he spends his ENTIRE life on this sort of stuff, or if he just does this to amuse himself in his spare time. It’s the politically correct people like you who make everything in life so boring now.

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