Douchebag (n.)–Tools

Everyone knows that one guy. He’s usually standing by himself at a party, awkwardly self-conscious of his appearance. No one knows who invited him and the chances are, nobody did. “What a douche,” someone says. “No, what a tool,” someone else corrects. Both argue semantics while the poor douche-tool overhears and sulks in the corner.

People often mistake tools for douchebags. This is understandable because they share similar tastes in fashion. What separates the two is a difference in demeanors.

A douchebag thinks and acts like he’s the shit. A tool tries to be the shit and fails. Both look like idiots in how they go about this.

A tool’s defining trait is his poor self-esteem. He dresses garishly to compensate for this in a desperate bid for attention. He goes about his other activities in a similar sense for potential bragging rights. None of this, however, is enough to fill the hole in his soul.

I must be cool because the Japanese like me.

I must be cool because the Japanese like me.

His concern for approval determines his musical and fashion tastes. He’s that scenester who hangs out at concerts due to an MTV promotion. He wears band t-shirts he doesn’t listen to and clothes with billboard sized designer labels. Sound familiar? That’s because tools are the posers of the 90s who somehow survived well into the millennium.

It all boils down to this: a douchebag appears and behaves by what he personally deems masculine. The tool commits himself to what he believes others think is cool. He has no sense of autonomy when it comes to taste.

Unlike the douchebag, the tool is completely harmless. At his worst, he’ll annoy others. Every single time, though, he’s guaranteed to embarrass himself.

If anything, the tool should be pitied, not scorned. He has a fractured ego beyond repair. The hatred directed towards douche-bags, on the other hand, is completely justified because he lives to bring others down.

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June 2009
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