15
Jan
10

Douchebag archetypes–Douches and tools

This is a douchebag:

This is a tool:

Any questions?

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13
Jan
10

Douchebag archetypes–The Female Douchebag

You see them at Melrose. They frequent every  high end store in the city. Their skin is fried to a Kentucky crisp and if it isn’t, it’s discolored by orange globs of fake tan. Their interests are devoted to what’s hot and what’s not, and have little to bring to the conversation beyond the realm of fashion. Attention is their daily bread and, drama, their craft…and not the theatrical kind. “What a douchebag,” is the only natural response.

Wait. Hold on. We’re talking about women though, not men. Isn’t it gender specific?

Yes and no. While the derogative originally evolved to describe arrogant men with attention seeking sociopathic and antisocial tendencies, this isn’t to say that women don’t have their engendered counterparts.

Women engage in practices of vanity all the time. You see it in how they apply make-up and the time spent on their hair. It’s just both socially acceptable and expected in this case. At least when it isn’t exagerrated.

An over-inflated and vocalized sense of self worth is the key ingredient in douchebaggery. Female douchebags, (let’s call them douchettes), won’t shut up about how hot they are. The chances are that if a man opts for a different girl than her, she’ll say, “I’m much hotter than her!” Looks are everything to a douchette. Things such as a personality, mutual interests, and tastes are just frosting on the shallow cake.

"I'm so hot."

While most women will spend a half-hour titivating themselves at most, the douchette will spend more than two hours getting ready. They’ll to go to even more extreme measures to look good like sloppily enhancing their breasts. This only makes sense from their perspective, since appearances are everything.

No Make-up, No Life.

Remember that girl in high school who wouldn’t go out with you because you weren’t popular enough? That was a douchette. While aesthetic superficiality may be one of their key interests, prestige is another. This translates in a variety of ways. Most douchettes will only date men from a certain occupation, university, or paycheck. They’re essentially romantic elitists who fail to live up to their own standards.

As mentioned in previous posts, the douchebag is a criticism of male patriarchy. This is one of the reasons why feminists embrace its concept despite how sexist the term originally is in which it derives from. It’s understandable that they’d be outraged if its directed towards women, rather than men, as other sexist derogatives are. It’s understandable, but the slang definition is still appropriate.

The reason being is that much like douchebags, douchettes are also a product of male patriarchy. The attention paid to their personal appearance is an example of this, just to an overblown degree. Feminists complain about the cosmetic “mutilation” expected by men and douchettes are very much a paragon of this. Like douchebags, douchettes are in every way a threat to the feminist ideology.

This is merely a small definition to the douchette archetype. There are plenty of trends, appearances, and fashion statements to address and mock in future entries.

30
Dec
09

Douchebag of the Decade

Regardless of whether you agree with George W. Bush’s policies or not, there’s no denying that he conforms to the douchebag archetype in every way imaginable. Everything about his personal appearance and public relations screams “douche” from his unnatural swagger to his artificial southern drawl. While it can be said that every politician is an ego-driven douchesack in his or her own right, none have conquered the international scene quite like he has. It is due to this that I’m christening Bush as the douchebag of the decade.

In a lot of ways, the 2000s were the decade of the douchebag. While the writers of Cracked in a recent article describe Viral, subprime, smart, green, and Post 9-11 as the words of the decade. Instead, I would argue that douchebag tops all of those. The word itself existed since the device’s inception, but it wasn’t until the 2000s that the pejorative became a definition in itself. The 2000s were a shallow and ego-driven decade swollen with self-promotion and entitlement. Since this is the case, George W. Bush is very much a product of its arrogance.

Let’s start with his attire. No douchebag is complete without an overly opulent outfit to parade around in like a spring peacock. When he wasn’t in his presidential suit, Dubya was dressed to kill as a cowboy like any proud Texan. This would be all and well, if he was actually born in Texas and wasn’t posing as local. Despite how absurd he looked in his cowboy outfit, nothing compares to this disaster of a photo-op:

Here is Bush in similar pictures.

In photo after photo…

…He just never fails to deliver.

And like most douchebags, Bush felt compelled to conform to an exaggeration of society’s conception of machismo. In America, military service stands as a paragon for its ideal of masculinity. Time and again, Bush invoked his enlistment in the National Guard to achieve such an image in spite of never serving overseas. Critics accused Bush of dodging the draft and going AWOL to avoid a mandatory drug test. Regardless of the validity to these claims, Bush still failed to live up to that standard of masculinity and made himself look like an asshat because of it.

He further humiliated himself before both the national and international stage with his various gaffes and oral flubs. It became such a natural occurrence that the term “Bushism” became coined into America’s political lexicon. Nonetheless, he looked like an idiot and still didn’t care.

If Bush had a shit to spare, he certainly didn’t give it. Whenever reporters would press him on his abysmal approval ratings, he nonchalantly dismissed the player haters like any self-loving douchetool.

Pop psychologists have attempted to reduce Bush’s political decisions as a way of outdoing his own father. If this is the case, then hundreds of thousands of foreign civilians perished on the behalf of one man’s ego. While most douchebags only humiliate themselves at the expense of their actions, nations suffered due to Bush’s hubris. What’s more, he ultimately tarnished the reputation of his own country as a result of his presidency. Everywhere from around the world people saw America as land of the douches and home to the naïve. Let’s see some other douchebag top that.

Note: Plenty of people are going to disagree with me and cite other politicians as an example. All I have to say is this: the 90s belonged to Clinton, and Bush’s presidency dominated all but two years of the 2000s. Other junior politicians have plenty of time to earn the next title.

Runner-up: Kanye West

You said you were the voice of a generation. You were right.

13
Oct
09

Acts of Douchebaggery-Writing Facebook Notes.

Like This:

If you respond to him or are friends with him then you have a medical condition and need to seek help.

Credit: Lameboook.com

08
Oct
09

Douchebag Public Figures–Silvio Berlusconi pt. 1

There are plenty of Type A douchebags in the realm of politics. That personality trait itself stays secluded in their private lives. However, some can’t help but let their douche stench take the center stage over their career.

Such is the case for Italy’s Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi. It can be said that all politicians have douchey tendencies, but rarely do they allow it to take precedence over their political positions, especially when it concerns their sexual escapades.

For one, Berlusconi throws parties that would make even Hugh Hefner feel like a gentleman in comparison. The paparazzi snuck onto his property and took photos of  female guests lounging near his pool fully nude. Included within these set of photos is a picture of former Czech Prime Minister, Mirek Toplonek, on the premises with full wood. (I’m not hotlinking these photographs. Look them up yourself).

Aside from this, the press has confronted Berlusconi of philandering on more than one occasion. They initially caught wind of a 42-year old escort and former actress’s claim that a friend recruited and paid for her to spend the night with Berlusconi. He denied knowing that she was prostitute and recited the douche mantra: “I have never paid a woman …I have never understood what satisfaction there is if the pleasure of conquest is absent.”

Veronica Lario, his wife, wrote an open letter criticizing her husband for hiring young, good-looking candidates with practically no political experience to represent his party during the 2009 European candidates. Instead of recognizing his foul, he decried his wife and demanded a public apology. Let that sink in: he was in the wrong and demanded an apology from his wife.

The drama surrounding his suspected extramarital affairs doesn’t stop there. It reached a crescendo when his wife’s last thread of patience snapped and she sought a divorce. The final action is still pending, but she cited his attraction to an 18-year old Noemi Letizia as her last grievance.

Whos Your Daddy?

"Who's Your Daddy?"

The girl at the center of the scandal reportedly refers to Berlusconi as “Papi,” the Italian word for papa. That being said, he either engaged in an act of mentorship inconsistent with his sleazy character, or has some incestuously kinky foreplay scenarios. In spite of this, Berlusconi swore on his sons that he would never engage in anything lewd with a minor. That would be a sound declaration had he not missed his sons’ 18th birthdays, but attended her’s.

It’s important to note that infidelity alone doesn’t completely brand one as a douchebag, but how they go about it is another. As Berlusconi demonstrates, a loud mouth and an uncontrollable libido go hand in hand with douchebaggery. Indeed, Berlusconi’s sexual escapades alone are what every douchebag hope to someday realize. No, but his douchebaggery doesn’t end just there. It’s difficult to count any of his traits that aren’t listed in the Encyclopedia Douchbaggita. He invokes in virtually every act in his personal life. Those acts of focus are for future entries.

10
Sep
09

Random Acts of Douchebaggery–Interrupting

…When you can’t keep your mouth shut even if your reputation depends on it, you might be a…

06
Sep
09

Douchebag (n.)–the douchette

The douchette: the female equivalent of a douchebag. (Yes, they exist).

Any girl who has uttered (or thought of) the following is a douchette: “The only reason I’m single is because I haven’t found anyone good enough  yet.”

Despite this vocal and sometimes silent vow, many douchettes eventually marry at their own level with Spencer Pratt.

See more: Urban Dictionary Definitions.